Tag Archives: Why do weird things only happen to me?

Well, THAT was Awkward

I’m no expert on massages. I mean, I’ve had three in my whole life, including the one I got today. But I’m pretty sure I was violated in some way. I knew something was awry once my bestie and I met our masseuses. (I have never typed masseuses before. Masseuses!) She got the normal looking female. I got the short Portuguese dude with the thick accent.

Perfect.

We arrived at The Spa for our 11:30 appointment. The Spa is located downtown on Orange Avenue.

We were ready to get our relax on.

We were quickly greeted at the door, filled out some paperwork, and taken on a tour of the facility. The tour lasted two minutes. They showed us the waiting room – which we had already been sitting in – the pedicure area, and the rooms where massages are given.

NOTE: They did not open the doors to the massage rooms. They just showed us the closed doors.

Lisa went into her room for her normal massage from the normal female masseuse and Jose (pronounced “JOE-ZAY” for cryin’ out loud) and I went into our room.

This was the room. That silver thing might be a crock pot.

First, JOE-ZAY explained how he does massages, while touching my body parts as he was describing them. Ok. That’s a little weird that he just rubbed my calf, grabbed my thigh, and patted me on my abs but I’ll go with it.

Then he was sad to see that I don’t like scalp massages on my paperwork because that’s “his favorite.” He asked me if I was sure I didn’t want to try one of his scalp massages.

I’m sure. I’m very sure.

After the explanation, he left the room. I got undressed and layed on the table under the sheet. The massage started out normal enough. He put his hands on my neck, took a very long deep breath, exhaled, and did some chant under his breath.

Did Lisa get a chant?  No.

After that, he started the massage – with my ears. I mean, he really got in there. It made me self-conscious that my ears weren’t clean enough. Note to self: I do not like ear massages.

He kept telling me to relax, which all three masseuses I’ve been to have told me. I don’t relax easily. Then he said…

After I flipped over and he was massaging my IT Band, he actually moved my underwear over so I had a cheek showing.

Did Lisa have her underwear moved over? No.

At the end of the massage, there was some weird sinus clearing thing he did on my face and then he started thumping on my forehead with his fingers for like, 15 seconds. Is that even normal? I felt like Joey on Friends.

After the thumping, there was another deep inhale, exhale, and chant. He let me know he spent his 15 minute break on me and that I got “extra time.” Awesome.

The massage was mostly painful because I have a lot of knots in my muscles, but I will say that my IT Band feels better already. I think a couple days of rest and foam rolling is due.

And a cold shower.

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