Django Unchained in Two Minutes

Friday night, I went to see Django Unchained.

I loved it. I loved it hard. But then again, I love Tarantino and I love Leo DiCaprio, so chances of me loving the movie were already high. I didn’t even notice it was almost three hours long. It’s definitely the best movie I’ve seen in years. < — not exaggerating

The movie was violent, but I don’t think overly so. I’m sure there are people that will disagree with that but they are all wrong and I’m right. Smile

Now, I realize there are those of you out there that don’t do violent movies. Or movies with the N bomb every 2 minutes. So I thought I’d sum it up for you. It will be like you’re going to the movies for free! Just way less entertaining.


Christoph Waltz is Dr. Shultz. He’s a dentist turned bounty hunter.

He’s also the most awesome thing about this movie. He’s just as amazing as he was in Inglorious Basterds.

Jamie Foxx is Django. He’s a slave.

Dr. Shultz is bounty hunting three men that he’s never seen before, but Django knows what they look like. So Dr. Schultz buys Django’s freedom, offers him part of the bounty, and trains him to hunt.

Their plan is go to from plantation to plantation until they find the men they’re looking for. But Django needs to look presentable, so he gets a hair cut and picks out a new outfit.

They finally find the three men at Big Daddy’s plantation. Big Daddy is played by Don Johnson. Just looking at him makes me want chicken.

Don Johnson was the second best thing about this movie. AWESOME cameo. We’ll add that line to, “things I thought I’d never say.”

They find the men and kill them.

Don Johnson isn’t a fan of them killing his men, so he leads the funniest attack (with Jonah Hill – whaa?) on Dr. Schultz and Django that doesn’t work out so well.

Dr. Shultz asks Django what he’s going to do with his portion of the bounty. He tells Dr. Shultz that he’s going to go to Mississippi and find his wife, who was also sold to slavery. And appears to him naked in hot springs.

Dr. Shultz makes Django an offer. If he helps him with his bounties for six months, he’ll get part of the profits, and they will travel to Mississippi together afterwards to find his wife. That will will give Django a better chance of getting her back and not inadvertently becoming a slave again.

After six months of bounty hunting, they finally get to Mississippi and find the Candyland plantation where Django’s wife is a slave. Guess who’s plantation it is?

Ohh haaiii Leo.

Leo plays Calvin Candie. He’s amazing of course. But Christoph Waltz was still better. Not many people can out act Leo.

Dr. Shultz uses the pretense that he wants to buy some of Leo’s Mandingo fighters for a lot of money even though he’s really interested in buying Django’s wife, Broomhilda.

They all ride out to the house on the plantation where Samuel L. Jackson works. Samuel hates Django because he’s a free black man.

As Dr. Shultz is closing the deal on the Mandingo fighters, he offers to buy Broomhilda as a side deal. Only, Samuel L. Jackson realizes that Django knows Broomhilda and that she’s the real reason they’re there. Not the fighters.

Samuel L tells Leo they’re lying and most likely don’t have the money to buy the Mandingo fighters. Leo gets pissed.

But then he gets a little more reasonable for awhile.

Lots of killing goes down. There’s a Scarface type shoot out in the house. Lots of people die and then Django gets reunited with his wife.

The end.

If you’d like another horrible, free date night, check out In Time in Two Minutes. 😉


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14 responses to “Django Unchained in Two Minutes

  1. Ooo! It sounds like it has a happy ending! LOL!

    I think I will like this movie. I have to have my husband watch it first though so he can tell me when to overlook the violent parts 🙂

  2. “Just looking at him made me want chicken,” haha. I can’t wait to see this movie. I LOVE Tarantino.

  3. This was hilarious! Now I want to see it… 🙂

  4. Jackie Smith

    We LOVED it also! I wasn’t sure about Jamie Foxx as the lead, but I thought he did a good job. Christoph Waltz absolutely stole the show.

    Did you hear that Inglorious Basterds is going to have a ‘sort of’ sequel/spin off called “Killer Crow”? No release date yet, though.

    • Paula

      Oh nice. I’ll watch anything Tarantino. I can’t believe Jamie Foxx started on In Living Color and now he’s such a great dramatic actor. He was great in Ray too.

  5. Verlin

    My girlfriend and her husband went to see it. We live in a very “white” community in Canada. Her husband was the only black person in the theatre. She said she should have brought shackles along to put on him when the movie was finished. They loved it too. I’ll have to go see it. “Just looking at him makes me want chicken.” Good line.

  6. Lee

    Okay, I just saw it last night and I had no idea that Steven was Samuel L. Jackson. How did I not notice that?!

  7. Michelle

    I really liked Django but it didn’t beat Inglorious Basterds for me. (My favorite Tarintino movie.) The best part was Leo. He never did it for me when he was younger but man he is finnnnneeee now. I’m gonna try to pretend like he doesn’t only date 23 year old waifs.

  8. I can’t do violent which means no Tarantino for me. And Leo makes me want to hurt someone. I liked him much better in his Growing Pains days.

    • Paula

      You are just bat shit crazy not to love Leo. But that’s ok, I still love you. I even love you more than Leo. < — THAT'S love.

  9. Finally saw it last night so I came back to see this. I’m glad we’re in agreement — Christoph Waltz is pretty much the greatest thing to ever happen to American cinema. OK, that may be too bold of a statement, I still think it’s partially true. I loved him in Basterds but now my love for him knows no end. He makes me want to move to my motherland of Germany and learn German, just to speak to him the way he speaks to Hildie.

    Leo was great too. I thought Jamie was the weakest part but he was still pretty awesome. Actually I take that back — Tarantino’s cameo was the worst part of the movie.

    So many random cameos in it. I need to see it a second time to catch them all. In that opening scene in the town (where they shot the sheriff) I swore it was Amber Tamblyn in the window but then we didn’t see her again. I couldn’t believe it when I saw her name in the credits.

    I want to see it again!

    • Paula

      Yes! I never thought German was a pretty language but I DO now! Germany is also my motherland. Let’s go together.

      Tarantino was definitely the worst part of the movie. Why does he insist on being in his own movies? It’s like, he surrounds himself by amazing actors which makes his acting look even worse.

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