Well, THAT was Awkward

I’m no expert on massages. I mean, I’ve had three in my whole life, including the one I got today. But I’m pretty sure I was violated in some way. I knew something was awry once my bestie and I met our masseuses. (I have never typed masseuses before. Masseuses!) She got the normal looking female. I got the short Portuguese dude with the thick accent.


We arrived at The Spa for our 11:30 appointment. The Spa is located downtown on Orange Avenue.

We were ready to get our relax on.

We were quickly greeted at the door, filled out some paperwork, and taken on a tour of the facility. The tour lasted two minutes. They showed us the waiting room – which we had already been sitting in – the pedicure area, and the rooms where massages are given.

NOTE: They did not open the doors to the massage rooms. They just showed us the closed doors.

Lisa went into her room for her normal massage from the normal female masseuse and Jose (pronounced “JOE-ZAY” for cryin’ out loud) and I went into our room.

This was the room. That silver thing might be a crock pot.

First, JOE-ZAY explained how he does massages, while touching my body parts as he was describing them. Ok. That’s a little weird that he just rubbed my calf, grabbed my thigh, and patted me on my abs but I’ll go with it.

Then he was sad to see that I don’t like scalp massages on my paperwork because that’s “his favorite.” He asked me if I was sure I didn’t want to try one of his scalp massages.

I’m sure. I’m very sure.

After the explanation, he left the room. I got undressed and layed on the table under the sheet. The massage started out normal enough. He put his hands on my neck, took a very long deep breath, exhaled, and did some chant under his breath.

Did Lisa get a chant?  No.

After that, he started the massage – with my ears. I mean, he really got in there. It made me self-conscious that my ears weren’t clean enough. Note to self: I do not like ear massages.

He kept telling me to relax, which all three masseuses I’ve been to have told me. I don’t relax easily. Then he said…

After I flipped over and he was massaging my IT Band, he actually moved my underwear over so I had a cheek showing.

Did Lisa have her underwear moved over? No.

At the end of the massage, there was some weird sinus clearing thing he did on my face and then he started thumping on my forehead with his fingers for like, 15 seconds. Is that even normal? I felt like Joey on Friends.

After the thumping, there was another deep inhale, exhale, and chant. He let me know he spent his 15 minute break on me and that I got “extra time.” Awesome.

The massage was mostly painful because I have a lot of knots in my muscles, but I will say that my IT Band feels better already. I think a couple days of rest and foam rolling is due.

And a cold shower.


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20 responses to “Well, THAT was Awkward

  1. I can’t stop laughing at this. {Maybe I shouldn’t have written that?}

    I had the weird head thumping at my only massage – so I guess that’s normal? I did request my ass not to be touched though — but I knew going in that I was with a dude. Strange about the chanting. So, how was Portugal?

    Hope you have fun tonight!!!

  2. Pam

    OMG! Everything about that is super-weird. See? The only awkward massage I ever got was from a guy. I’m female only now. Glad your IT band at least feels better. Massages really do help in that area. A lot.

  3. First, awesome Friends reference!! And second, I’m willing to bet a million dollars that Joe-Zay is roommates with Kraig….I mean, Craig.

  4. Are you sure you don’t mean a hot shower? A boiling hot shower with lots of soap and maybe bleach? Because I feel that I need one after reading this. gross.

  5. I am cracking up at the Friends relative. And that does sound super weird. Blegh. At least it helped?

  6. haha! See I’m am all about the full body massages including glutes so I go sans undies! :O Of course I also like female therapists and not males so it can feel a little less uncomfortable. Too funny that he is so confident in his abilities!

  7. DEAD at this part. “He let me know he spent his 15 minute break on me and that I got “extra time.” Awesome”

    Glad your IT band feels better, at least.
    I only ever get female masseuses. No matter what the guy tries to do, it’s always awkward for me, & I spend the entire time evaluating if everything he’s doing is appropriate. Not relaxing. 🙂

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  9. Katie G

    My massage therapist is a guy, but he does sports massage and he’s totally down to earth, so you won’t find any incense or woo-hoo stuff there. I highly recommend him–he behaves totally appropriately and he’s just a nice, normal person (a lot of the therapists I’ve met are TOTAL flakes). I’ve been seeing him for a few years and have recommended him to others, and everyone has loved him. If you’d like his info, let me know.

  10. Tiffy Smells


  11. Dude. Sounds like that guy was straight off the boat. I don’t think I would have let him touch me. How are you supposed to relax with someone who makes you feel that uncomfortable??? Ew.

  12. Um…that sounds AWFUL. But I have to admit — I laughed (hard) at your horror. 🙂

  13. Ha! Ear massage and forehead thumbs. Girl you got the special treatment!

  14. And now I’m more convinced I will never go get a professional massage… OMG!!!! I would have yelled profanity if someone started messing with my ears… I don’t even let the hubs touch them. I wouldn’t think that would even be a part of the massage.

    Love the friends reference… I was just thinking I should hit up some reruns this summer cause I miss the gang.

  15. I’ll admit…I’ve never had a professional massage because I’m scared of things like this happening! Yikes!! Sounds like you had an interesting time.

    Love the Joey reference. I’m seriously a Friends addict. I need help!

  16. T

    well that doesn’t sound like a happy ending. too bad. i’d try a different masseur. or maybe you should get a masseuse.

  17. W T F.
    What an awkward creepo!

  18. I don’t want to laugh at you because that’s never nice, but seriously? Best story of my day! Maybe even week. I’m glad he was all awkward on you and it wasn’t me that he was awkward on. Best part was that he spent extra time on you during his break…how kind of him!

  19. What the heck?! That is the most bizarre massage story I have ever heard! Yeahhh… I don’t suggest going back there. Can you say CREEPY?! haha

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