Django Unchained in Two Minutes

Friday night, I went to see Django Unchained.

I loved it. I loved it hard. But then again, I love Tarantino and I love Leo DiCaprio, so chances of me loving the movie were already high. I didn’t even notice it was almost three hours long. It’s definitely the best movie I’ve seen in years. < — not exaggerating

The movie was violent, but I don’t think overly so. I’m sure there are people that will disagree with that but they are all wrong and I’m right. Smile

Now, I realize there are those of you out there that don’t do violent movies. Or movies with the N bomb every 2 minutes. So I thought I’d sum it up for you. It will be like you’re going to the movies for free! Just way less entertaining.

***

Christoph Waltz is Dr. Shultz. He’s a dentist turned bounty hunter.

He’s also the most awesome thing about this movie. He’s just as amazing as he was in Inglorious Basterds.

Jamie Foxx is Django. He’s a slave.

Dr. Shultz is bounty hunting three men that he’s never seen before, but Django knows what they look like. So Dr. Schultz buys Django’s freedom, offers him part of the bounty, and trains him to hunt.

Their plan is go to from plantation to plantation until they find the men they’re looking for. But Django needs to look presentable, so he gets a hair cut and picks out a new outfit.

They finally find the three men at Big Daddy’s plantation. Big Daddy is played by Don Johnson. Just looking at him makes me want chicken.

Don Johnson was the second best thing about this movie. AWESOME cameo. We’ll add that line to, “things I thought I’d never say.”

They find the men and kill them.

Don Johnson isn’t a fan of them killing his men, so he leads the funniest attack (with Jonah Hill – whaa?) on Dr. Schultz and Django that doesn’t work out so well.

Dr. Shultz asks Django what he’s going to do with his portion of the bounty. He tells Dr. Shultz that he’s going to go to Mississippi and find his wife, who was also sold to slavery. And appears to him naked in hot springs.

Dr. Shultz makes Django an offer. If he helps him with his bounties for six months, he’ll get part of the profits, and they will travel to Mississippi together afterwards to find his wife. That will will give Django a better chance of getting her back and not inadvertently becoming a slave again.

After six months of bounty hunting, they finally get to Mississippi and find the Candyland plantation where Django’s wife is a slave. Guess who’s plantation it is?

Ohh haaiii Leo.

Leo plays Calvin Candie. He’s amazing of course. But Christoph Waltz was still better. Not many people can out act Leo.

Dr. Shultz uses the pretense that he wants to buy some of Leo’s Mandingo fighters for a lot of money even though he’s really interested in buying Django’s wife, Broomhilda.

They all ride out to the house on the plantation where Samuel L. Jackson works. Samuel hates Django because he’s a free black man.

As Dr. Shultz is closing the deal on the Mandingo fighters, he offers to buy Broomhilda as a side deal. Only, Samuel L. Jackson realizes that Django knows Broomhilda and that she’s the real reason they’re there. Not the fighters.

Samuel L tells Leo they’re lying and most likely don’t have the money to buy the Mandingo fighters. Leo gets pissed.

But then he gets a little more reasonable for awhile.

Lots of killing goes down. There’s a Scarface type shoot out in the house. Lots of people die and then Django gets reunited with his wife.

The end.

If you’d like another horrible, free date night, check out In Time in Two Minutes. ;-)

The Most Superficial Movie Review Ever

Last night, I went to see Les Mis.

I prefer this poster.

Now, before I tell you what I thought of the movie, keep this stuff in mind: I don’t normally like musicals, period pieces, movies that make me cry, or Russell Crowe. In fact, I hate movies that make me cry. So I usually avoid all romances and 50% of dramas. It’s not that I don’t like them, but the crying wipes me out. Then, when I go to sleep that night, my eyes get super puffy so when I wake up, I look like I’ve been in a bar fight. Those puffy eyes take hours to look like normal again. So all day long, people will tell me I look tired or ask me what’s wrong. And you can only tell people you got into so many bar fights until they don’t believe you anymore. So, I’d just rather avoid that all together.

Anyway, we went to the movie because we wanted to spend some time with friends we hadn’t seen in awhile and considering the trailer for it made me want to cry, I went in armed.

Oh, I should also tell you that I knew nothing about Les Mis before last night. I’ve never seen the play and I didn’t know the story. With that said, I thought the movie was good. Not great. I would have been happy to wait till video.

The cinematography was beautiful and Anne Hathaway and Hugh Jackman were amazing. There was almost no dialog – all the dialog was in song, which was different.  I believe this is the first movie where the actors sung their parts while filming the movie, instead of recording the soundtrack prior to filming and lip syncing and I think that really added to the emotion. However, I think the beginning of the story was way too rushed, but even so, I think the movie was too long.

I know what the Les Mis fans are thinking.

So as long as I got the Les Mis fans hating me, I might as well get all superficial too.

Russell Crowe singing was a little awkward to me. It’s not really a role I imagine him in. I couldn’t stop looking at Hugh Jackman’s tongue when he was singing (it’s so pink!), and I’m pretty sure Helena Bonham Carter is in this movie only because she got lost on the way to the set of her next Tim Burton movie. (I think all her roles can be described as “crazy lady with crazy hair.”) Then, this girl’s waist was so small that I couldn’t notice anything else in the scene.

I never thought I’d see a movie with Sacha Baron Cohen because he is the epitome of annoying to me. Although, he was pretty entertaining comic relief in this one and I sort of hated myself for liking him. Then, Sacha and Russell Crowe had a scene together and I wondered if Russell asked for extra money to do that. Then I wondered how Sacha scored a hot babe like Isla Fischer in real life. Then I wondered, “hey what’s for dinner?”

Overall, I liked it. The friends I went with that are super Les Mis fans said the movie wasn’t as good as the play or book but they still enjoyed it. So if you like all the things I mentioned that I hate, you will like it too. I’m sure this movie will get all the awards, so when you do see it you can feel more cultured and worldly like I do.

In Time in Two Minutes

I watched In Time on Sunday. It wasn’t good or bad, it was just kinda “eh” which is a total bummer because this movie had serious potential. The concept was really cool and of course JT is in it and he’s not terrible on the eyes. But in case you want to save 2 hours of your life and watch something else that would probably be a better use of your time, I am going to sum it up for you.

All people stop aging at 25.

Once you turn 25, you’re “clock” starts. You get one year to live and do with as you wish. And you can see your time remaining on your arm.

The world’s currency is time. You buy things with time and spend it just like you would money.

You also earn time at your job. Poor people literally live day to day with only hours of time left. Once your time runs out, you die. Rich people have years of time and since they have access to more time so often, they can technically live forever (barring any fatal accidents).

You can give or take other people’s time by holding their wrist, sleeping or not, and with or without consent.

JT is given over 100 years of time by a rich guy that was over 100 years old and tired of living.

JT’s mother is almost out of time. She dies literally seconds before he can give it to her. She is also hot.

People live in Time Zones. JT leaves his poor Time Zone to check out the rich people’s Time Zone, something his mother and him always wanted to do together.  Too bad he was accused of stealing all that time he got from the rich, hot guy because now he is wanted by the Timekeepers, who are basically police in sexy leather.

Enter Sylvia. She’s hot too. Everyone be hot in this movie!

Sylvia has seen JT around town and she likey what she sees. They end up skinny dipping together and near-kissing, which means they are totes made for each other. Too bad JT kidnaps her after he’s accused of stealing all that time because now she’s so conflicted. I mean, he’s hot. But he did just kidnap her. So there’s that.

Sylvia’s dad is Pete from Mad Men. He owns a bunch of time banks and is a total time-hoarding dbag.

JT and Sylvia spend the rest of the movie running because it’s super important to get everywhere quickly.

Sylvia is good at two things: keeping her makeup absolutely perfect even though she has nothing with her and running long distances in 4-inch heels.

Also, I have no idea where she got that dress.

Sylvia starts liking JT again. They do dirty things with their private parts but the Timekeepers catch up to them so they have to make like a tree. JT tells her to put her clothes on and they are quickly out the door. Sylvia can put on pantyhose fast, because they were out the door within 3 seconds and she had those puppies back on.

Between all the running and looking hot, JT and Sylvia start robbing her father’s banks of time and giving it to the people in the poor Time Zones. JT thinks no one should be immortal and wants to give all people equal time so everyone has a chance at living and the Time Zones won’t be segregated.

Now don’t waste that 2 hours I just gave you. :-)

 

 

Don’t Be Afraid To Save Your Money

I finally saw a few movies this weekend. I feel like I’m going through some kind of movie withdrawal. I love movies and I used to see one every weekend and now it seems to happen every six months.  What exactly am I doing that I don’t have time to go to movies? I have no idea. Now when I do see them, they suck. It’s making me angry.

We just got back from seeing Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark.

I had high hopes for it because Guillermo Del Toro did the screenplay. He did The Devil’s Backbone and Pan’s Labyrinth, which were both awesome. This one was like a serious Gremlins. So, if you’re into that (which I’m not) and think it’s worth $20 (which I don’t), you might like it.

On a good note, Katie Holmes was pretty good in the movie. She didn’t do any of her annoying Joey-esque mannerisms that get under my skin, so I might be able to take her off the list now.

You get cool points with me if you can guess that movie.

We also watched Priest on-demand.

I don’t even know what was going on in the movie most of the time but it was all sorts of ridiculous. This movie has taught me that you can throw 2 large stones in the air and use them as “stairs” to propel yourself higher to get over the abyss you just jumped over. Awesome.

I’d like to give special thanks to my hubs that added the eyeballs to that picture while I was away from the computer.

Also, I do not get the Paul Bettany heartthrob thing. So chicks actually dig him? I mean, it’s cool that he scored Jennifer Connelly for a wife but other than that I’m not seeing it. He’s like Daniel Craig for me. Bad ass in some movies but not particularly good looking.

Now it’s almost time for True Blood, which is also disappointing me. I know I’m not alone in thinking this. Had I known how mediocre this season was going to be, I would have waited for DVD instead of paying for HBO. I am so ready for Eric to stop being a total pansy.

I’m ready for Lafayette to have a storyline that has something to do with anything, and every time Tara almost dies, I’m disappointed she doesn’t. Her character has sucked since Season 2.

Ok, I’ll stop complaining now. Smile Only because it’s time to go watch True Blood. Yeah, I know I said it’s not so good but it’s also a train wreck I can’t seem to quit.

What’s the worst movie or TV show you’ve seen lately so I can not spend $25 on it?

Go See #TheChangeUp

Last night, the hubs and I went to see a sneak preview of The Change-up.

Hubs found free passes on a table at our gym so he snatched one up.

If you don’t already know, the movie is about two best friends, one is uber-successful and married (Jason Bateman) and one is a pot smoking out-of-work actor who never finishes anything (Ryan Reynolds). They both wish they had each others lives while out drinking one night and when they wake up the next morning…they do.

Oh, and Olivia Wilde is in it. She looks so hot in this movie I forgot I was heterosexual.

Too late.

I’ve gone to a bunch of sneak previews in the past and this is the first one that wasn’t sold out. I was surprised but it was also nice not to share an arm wrest with a dude 4x my size.

The interesting part about this sneak preview is we didn’t see the version that will be released to theatres. It was a preview to see what audiences thought so the movie could be changed before it’s released. So music could be changed, or a scene could be added or deleted.

Hubs and I both thought the movie was hilarious and touching. We were worried at first because there was an opening sequence with a baby and computer animation that was so stupid we thought we going to hate it. Luckily, the rest of it was great. That scene was just so out of place with the rest of the comedy. I liked it as much as Horrible Bosses. Hubs liked Horrible Bosses better but still thought it was great.

Oh, and Jason Bateman has a scene where he is 95% naked, so all you JB lovers out there have that to look forward to.

So, go check it out and let me know if they keep that first scene in the movie. Smile It comes out August 5th.

Are you seeing any movies this weekend?

A Day Full of Nothing

I’ve done nothing productive today. Nothing. I’ve taken 2 naps, haven’t cleaned anything, and surprisingly I’m not too upset about it. Smile

Last night, the hubs and I stayed in and didn’t drink alcohol like good boys and girls. We finally watched 127 Hours.

Honestly, I’ve had that movie at home since the beginning of May. Why do I have Netflix again if I never watch the movies?

Anyway, if you don’t know already, it’s the true story of mountain climber Aron Ralston who became trapped by a boulder on one of his climbs. He uses his own means to survive – including drinking his own urine. James Franco plays Aron and I thought he was really good. But I’ve got me a soft spot for James Franco.

And now you do too.

Yum.

I thought the movie was just ok. I knew the ending to the story, so it made the content of the movie seem insignificant. Hubs thought the movie was slightly more interesting than drinking your own urine.

Then this morning was a 10 mile run with my training group. 4:45 wake-up call says what?

Next week we meet a half hour earlier. So if you think I look haggard in this week’s picture, I’m sure next week will be a treat.

Tired, puffy eyes.

The run turned out pretty good. I met a girl, Holly, that I ran with for most of the time. Chatting with her really helped me get through the run because I was so tired. The humidity was almost too much for me to handle today.

We ran by a bunch of rude houses flaunting their awesome in our face.

Those houses had a water view too.

Seriously, have you ever run by houses like this? The people that own them pick up their newspapers really slowly so you know it’s their house.

At mile 8, I tried some different fueling. A Cliff Shot in Razz flavor.

So gross. I could only choke down a little over half of it. I’m so jealous of you runners who can take these. It would make my races so much easier. The only thing worse would be drinking my own urine.

The Clif Shot didn’t give me any stomach problems the last 2 miles but I still had issues when I got home. Although the run was hard, my pace really improved from last week.

Distance: 10.11 Pace: 10:15 average
(I didn’t stop the Garmin for our 1-minute walk breaks every mile, but I did stop it for the 3 water stations.)

  • Mile 1: 9:51
  • Mile 2: 10:12
  • Mile 3: 9:32
  • Mile 4: 10:36
  • Mile 5: 10:23
  • Mile 6: 10:36
  • Mile 7: 10:39
  • Mile 8: 10:49
  • Mile 9: 9:32
  • Mile 10: 10:30

On tonight’s agenda:

Should be interesting. Smile

Weekend Recap

This weekend has been pretty chill and plan free as far as weekends go. Usually my weekends are jam-packed with plans and I never get anything done around the house, which makes my work week more relaxing than the weekend.

Well, this weekend I feel like I got a lot of stuff done around the house including making my flower bed go from this:

To this:

I think those new plants get fairly big, so I didn’t want to crowd it with more plants until I know for sure. It’s not done, but it’s much better.

This weekend, I also finished the book I started on the flight out to California last weekend, Unwind by Neal Shusterman. Michelle recommended this one to me a long time ago.

Unwind was awesome. I loved it! It’s a young adult book along the lines of The Hunger Games and The Maze Runner and it’s a super fast read. There was one scene in the book that I thought was seriously disturbing, and I don’t often think that with books. I think it’s because I don’t really have that great of an imagination and a lot of times books are what your mind makes of them.

Next up on my read list:

Master your Metabolism by Jillian Michaels. I’ve been wanting to read this one forever.

Book 10 of the Sookie Stackhouse Series. I bought this one awhile ago and it’s been waiting patiently on my Nook.

Bossypants by Tina Fey

That cover seriously creeps me out. Am I the only one? I’m not much of a reader so it usually takes long plane rides or chemical peels, that make me stay in all weekend because I look like Goldmember, to actually pick up a book.

Speaking of books, Michelle started a virtual book club. If you’re interested in joining, head on over to her blog. She just picked the first book for June.

Lastly, I just got back from seeing Bridesmaids.

EVERYONE is saying this movie is crazy hilarious. While I thought it was very funny and cute, I didn’t think it was hilarious. (Although, there was one scene that I laughed so hard I cried.) Honestly, I was tearing up most of the movie because I felt so bad for Kristin Wiig’s character. So, I thought the movie had more heart than being drop-dead funny.

Also, it was awesome to see Kristen Wiig play normal instead of one of her whacky SNL characters. She’s a really great actress in this movie, which I didn’t expect. So, go see it. You’ll love it if you’re a man or a woman.  Or a man-woman. They’ll love it too.

Pleasantly Surprised

(last night’s) Workout: Martial arts fitness class (45 min), plus a 1 mile run after class

My hubs is on a workout rampage. Every now and then, he gives up exercising his thumbs playing Street Fighter and wants to work out like a maniac. Now is one of those times. So, the mile run invite after class that hubs usually pretends he didn’t hear, he said yes to. That works for me, because I will gladly add that mile to my 1000 miles in 2011 challenge.

After our workout, a smoothie was had (by me) and we watched a couple of shows on the DVR, including Chuck. I didn’t cry during the show this week, so I’ll consider that a win.

After giving the DVR some love, we wiped all the dust off the coffee table and found this little treasure from Netflix:

Good thing I’ve been paying for that to sit on my coffee table for a month and a half. My movie watching has been lacking lately, so I was ready to let the DVR rest and fire up the Blu-ray.

Honestly, I didn’t really want to see Kick-Ass but heard from most people that it was good, so I decided to give it a try. It’s just that kid from Superbad annoys the crap out of me and I wasn’t sure I could handle a movie staring him.

Am I the only one that had no clue this movie is rated R and super violent? I thought I was going to watch another Scott Pilgrim and realized that wasn’t the case 20 minutes in when the F-bombs started flying.

Everything about the movie trailer and even the poster made me think it was a kid’s movie.

Even though the movie was nothing like what I expected, I liked it…A LOT. The little girl in the movie reminded me of Natalie Portman in The Professional.

What can I say? I like an ass-kicking 11-year old.

Hubs liked the movie enough to proclaim he was going to buy it. Oh, and I teared up a little in the movie which didn’t surprise me since I also cried the first time I saw Speed. I think that nicely made up for the episode of Chuck I didn’t cry in. A day isn’t a day without crying over something insignificant.

 

After the movie, Pants started acting cute as usual. Great thing about bunnies = they are perfectly happy in a box with some newspaper.

If kids were this way, maybe I’d have some already.

Now I’m trying to decide if I should give blood today. The blood mobile is going to be outside of my work but I really haven’t eaten enough to justify it. However, it’s always fun weighing yourself the day after. One pound is one pound, people. Even if it lasts for a day.

Do you give blood? (This is terrible, but I hate needles, so I only do it for the free cholesterol tests. I know. I’m going to hell.)

What movie have you watched recently that you didn’t think you would like but ended up loving? (Kick-Ass for me, but I also thought I would hate The Iron Giant and The Last Samurai and loved those too.)

Insidious

Last night, the hubs and I decided to go to a late showing of Insidious.

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But before I get to that, around 9:30 I was starving after a double workout from the personal trainer. (After our normal hour together, we went for a 4.5 mile run. Hubs stayed home because he wasn’t feeling well.) We headed out to Ale House for dinner were I was a very good girl – I had a grilled chicken sandwich without the bun and steamed broccoli (I’m eating low-carb this week).

We were also very tired. So this happened.

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And then I was wide awake!!!! Exclamation points are fun!

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Let’s just pass over the part where you tell me Sugar Free Red Bull is horrible for me. I don’t judge those sweet little cans. They’ve gotten me through some long nights.

By the way, the picture above was an attempt to show you my hair actually styled, but hubs decided the Red Bull cans were more pertinent to the picture than my head. Here’s another one. The picture is kinda boring, so I drew a flower on it for you.

After our Red Bull extravaganza, we hit up the 12:40am showing, which we thought would be a good idea at the time. I’m not sure if you’ve ever been to a PG-13 horror movie on opening night, but the 7:00 and 10:00 show times at the theatres near us always have teenagers that talk through the whole movie. It’s so bad here, that years ago we left a half hour into The Grudge 2, asked for our money back, and never went to a PG-13 on opening night again. Movies are too expensive for me to put up with that crap. < —— complaining old lady

Enter the 12:40am showing. No teenagers here, just grown-ass adults that like to give commentary on the obvious.

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Anyway, when we left the theatre I just thought the movie was ok. The hubs liked it…a lot. He thinks I didn’t like it because of the audience, which is possible. So I will give you a short review based on what the hub’s thought.

First, I’d like to add that I had 3 or 4 actual chills in this movie. Not the kind where you jump a little, but the goose bumps with shivering kind over my whole body. I can’t remember the last movie that did that.

Oh, yes I can…

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Insidious is about a family that thinks they live in a haunted house – so they move to a new house – only to find that it’s their son that’s haunted and not the house. They get help from someone with experience in these types of things and the story unfolds from there.

Hubs thought the movie had a really great story and it was executed well. The movie also had a creepy moment where, if you’re not looking for it, you’ll miss it. (I saw it, the hubs didn’t.) Hubs thinks that’s pretty awesome film making to be able to do something like that in the background.

Overall, I was just really happy to get out to the theatre to see a movie even with an annoying audience. Plus, this movie was definitely better than the last one we saw – Battle: LA. Avoid that one if at all possible.

  • My (biased) rating: 6 out of 10 stars
  • The hub’s rating: 8 out of 10 stars

Ok, he didn’t tell me that. I asked him how many stars he’d give it, he said “Out of 10? I don’t know.” and then went back to playing Street Fighter.

Have you seen any new movies lately that you would recommend?

I Have the Eat and Watch Part Down

I think I’m single-handedly keeping On-Demand movies in business. I watched three of them yesterday. And as you might have guessed, The Social Network was not one of them.

Why watch the Oscar-nominated movie that’s on the coffee table right in front of you when you can pay more money to watch a bunch of On-Demand movies? That’s what I always say.

Hubs went out to the store, so I decided it was time to get in a chick flick.

Life_As_We_Know_It_2

This one wasn’t any different than any other Katherine Heigl movie. It was cute, funny, and charming with a happy ending. It has bonus eye-candy with Josh Duhamel and even has Sookie from Gilmore Girls in it. I heart her. This was a cute movie but nothing you haven’t already seen before.

Hubs came home and it was horror movie time.

Piranha_3d_poster1

This one actually got good reviews and we wanted to see it in the theatre for the 3D but never made it.

“Sea, Sex, and Blood” in the poster really says it all. This was really gory, really funny, and had about the most gratuitous nudity I’ve seen in a movie in a long time. We both really liked it. Please still be my friend even though I liked this movie.

And lastly, because two movies isn’t enough:

You Again 00

This one stars Kristen Bell. I watch anything with her because she is my girl crush and can do no wrong. Sort of. This movie was just ok. If it’s on and you’re too lazy to lean forward to reach the remote, go ahead and watch it.

Somewhere during Piranha, I was wondering why everyone in the world but me likes Greek yogurt. I’ve tried the vanilla and the honey flavor and can’t eat it unless I’ve put a lab-rat’s portion of Splenda in it.

That is until I tried something a friend recommended.

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Chobani Plain Greek yogurt + French Onion powdered soup mix = party in my mouth

After I dipped a million chips in there, I moved on to carrots. So good.

Then this morning, because I can’t find anything else to do, I made Birthday Cake Waffles inspired by Meghann.

I used a cup of Krusteaz pancake mix (because you only need water – no eggs, etc), and maybe 1/3 of a package of Pillsbury Reduced Sugar yellow cake mix.

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Add some sprinkles and wahh-la!

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They were tasty, but needed more sprinkles. And maybe I ate one of them with frosting. Probably not good to put the word “cake” in any of your recipes, because I will put frosting on it. (Cue the “Urinal Cake” jokes.)

By the way, I’m available if you enjoy my mad Paint skillz in the above picture. I can put two photos together like no one’s business.

All this sitting around eating and watching movies is making me feel so blah. I need a good run but my energy is sapped from doing nothing. Funny how that works.