Django Unchained in Two Minutes

Friday night, I went to see Django Unchained.

I loved it. I loved it hard. But then again, I love Tarantino and I love Leo DiCaprio, so chances of me loving the movie were already high. I didn’t even notice it was almost three hours long. It’s definitely the best movie I’ve seen in years. < — not exaggerating

The movie was violent, but I don’t think overly so. I’m sure there are people that will disagree with that but they are all wrong and I’m right. Smile

Now, I realize there are those of you out there that don’t do violent movies. Or movies with the N bomb every 2 minutes. So I thought I’d sum it up for you. It will be like you’re going to the movies for free! Just way less entertaining.

***

Christoph Waltz is Dr. Shultz. He’s a dentist turned bounty hunter.

He’s also the most awesome thing about this movie. He’s just as amazing as he was in Inglorious Basterds.

Jamie Foxx is Django. He’s a slave.

Dr. Shultz is bounty hunting three men that he’s never seen before, but Django knows what they look like. So Dr. Schultz buys Django’s freedom, offers him part of the bounty, and trains him to hunt.

Their plan is go to from plantation to plantation until they find the men they’re looking for. But Django needs to look presentable, so he gets a hair cut and picks out a new outfit.

They finally find the three men at Big Daddy’s plantation. Big Daddy is played by Don Johnson. Just looking at him makes me want chicken.

Don Johnson was the second best thing about this movie. AWESOME cameo. We’ll add that line to, “things I thought I’d never say.”

They find the men and kill them.

Don Johnson isn’t a fan of them killing his men, so he leads the funniest attack (with Jonah Hill – whaa?) on Dr. Schultz and Django that doesn’t work out so well.

Dr. Shultz asks Django what he’s going to do with his portion of the bounty. He tells Dr. Shultz that he’s going to go to Mississippi and find his wife, who was also sold to slavery. And appears to him naked in hot springs.

Dr. Shultz makes Django an offer. If he helps him with his bounties for six months, he’ll get part of the profits, and they will travel to Mississippi together afterwards to find his wife. That will will give Django a better chance of getting her back and not inadvertently becoming a slave again.

After six months of bounty hunting, they finally get to Mississippi and find the Candyland plantation where Django’s wife is a slave. Guess who’s plantation it is?

Ohh haaiii Leo.

Leo plays Calvin Candie. He’s amazing of course. But Christoph Waltz was still better. Not many people can out act Leo.

Dr. Shultz uses the pretense that he wants to buy some of Leo’s Mandingo fighters for a lot of money even though he’s really interested in buying Django’s wife, Broomhilda.

They all ride out to the house on the plantation where Samuel L. Jackson works. Samuel hates Django because he’s a free black man.

As Dr. Shultz is closing the deal on the Mandingo fighters, he offers to buy Broomhilda as a side deal. Only, Samuel L. Jackson realizes that Django knows Broomhilda and that she’s the real reason they’re there. Not the fighters.

Samuel L tells Leo they’re lying and most likely don’t have the money to buy the Mandingo fighters. Leo gets pissed.

But then he gets a little more reasonable for awhile.

Lots of killing goes down. There’s a Scarface type shoot out in the house. Lots of people die and then Django gets reunited with his wife.

The end.

If you’d like another horrible, free date night, check out In Time in Two Minutes. ;-)