American Horror Story Asylum in Two Minutes (Episode: Madness Ends)

It’s time to recap the season finale. I’m not sure what I thought of it. I guess I liked it, but then I didn’t. But the more I think about it, the more I liked it. I’m so conflicted. Let’s go with, I liked it.

The show opens four months ago where the season premiere started – with Maroon 5 and Mrs. Channing Tatum on their honeymoon in the asylum. Only, this time we see what’s going on from Dylan McDermott’s viewpoint. He’s listening to the audio version of Lana’s book and hating on her for not wanting him while sitting in a creepy chair.

Then all the same stuff still happens. Maroon 5 gets his arm cut off blah, blah, blah. No surprises. Not sure of the point to this opening because it didn’t tell us anything new. Maybe to bring things full circle? Or give Adam Levine more screen time? Either way, I didn’t see the point.

Now we’re in present time and Lana is being interviewed in her home for the Kennedy Center Honor.

She has a girlfriend (Joan Severance, from all those booby movies back in the day! Anyone?) and a huge house with lots of money that she made from being an investigative reporter on a popular TV series.

During the interview, Lana tells the story of what happened to everyone at the asylum, which we see in flashbacks. First, we start with Sister Jude.

Lana talks about the exposé of the asylum she filmed.

The conditions got even more deplorable to the point where the patients were neglected and diseased. Her exposé finally shut it down. While she was there making the film (without permission), she made an attempt to get Jude out, but she was already gone.

Lana takes a short break from giving the interview and asks one of the PA’s for a sparkling water. That’s when Dylan McDermott (aka, Son of Bloody Face) shows up and hands her one. Oh snap. He’s in the house. I don’t have a picture of that, so enjoy this one instead.

Definitely better than a screen cap from the show. Meow!

Ok, back to the interview. Lana explains how she found out, after the exposé, that Jude was released into Kit’s custody. So, she went to his house to inquire about her.

Kit invites her in and tells her the story of how he went back for her.

After Alma died, Kit began visiting Jude once or twice a week. He could see that she was still there behind all the crazy and he knew she didn’t belong at Briarcliff any more than he did. Eventually, he brought her to his house. He thought that if he forgave Jude, that he could finally leave what happened at Briarcliff behind and focus on being a better father to the kids.

So, for six months, Jude stayed with Kit and led a happy life. She became close with Kit and especially his kids, until one day she was ready for the angel of death to take her.

Kit eventually remarried. One of his children became a law professor at Harvard and another a neurosurgeon.  When Kit was 40, he developed pancreatic cancer that spread to his liver. His days were numbered, but one day, he just disappeared without a trace and no one knows what happened to him.

That’s right. Aliens took him. And his alien babies are geniuses.

Also, I thought for a long time whether to use that lame probe joke or not and I’m still not sure I made the right decision. Smile

Once the asylum was shut down, the Monsignor was so distraught about the allegations that were about to befall him from the corruption he was a part of that he killed himself.

During the interview, Lana also admitted that she lied in her book about her baby dying. She actually gave him up for adoption, and for awhile she regretted that decision but ultimately knew that he had a better chance of being loved in another family since she could never love him.

When Lana finishes the interview, everyone leaves, but Dylan McDermott is still hiding out in the house eating delicious donuts (pretty sure it was an eclair, not that I would notice a detail like that). Lana knows he’s still in her house and that he’s her son.

Lana tells him that she always knew their meeting would happen one day. Then Johnny (I don’t think I knew his name until this episode) holds Lana at gunpoint, while he whines about how she never loved him. He idolizes his father and he’s pissed that Lana went on with her successful life without him.

Lana convinces him that his father was a monster and that he’s nothing like him, that he’s a better man, and that she gave him up so he would have a better life. She gets him to put down his gun and Johnny starts crying because he’s hurt so many people. He also calls her mom while he’s crying, which I kinda thought was cute. I know he’s a serial killer, but whatevs. It was cute, dammit.

While his guard is down, Lana shoots him in the head.

And there you have it. Lana is the only survivor of the season.

At the very end, we see a flashback to the first episode when Lana and Sister Jude first met at the asylum.

***

Alright, so what did you think? Is season 1 or 2 better? How’d you like how everything turned out?

Season 2 recaps: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6, Episode 7, Episode 8, Episode 9, Episode 10, Episode 11, Episode 12

American Horror Story Asylum in Two Minutes (Episode: Continuum)

It’s time to recap Season 2, Episode 12.

Well, well, that was an opener I didn’t see coming. We start in 1967 where we see this family photo hanging on the wall.

Kit’s a polygamist! Damn. How’d he work that one out?

Then we see Kit in his underwear, bloody, and pulling an axe out of some unknown dead person.

Now were back to Kit, Alma, Grace, and both kids living in Kit and Alma’s house. Everything seems pretty normal, as far as polygamy goes. However, Grace keeps dwelling on the abduction. She’s drawing creepy pictures of how she remembers the aliens because she wants her child to know where he came from.

Alma is not amused by Grace’s  family drawings. Grace thinks the abduction was more of a religious experience and wants to see the aliens again while Alma wants to forget everything.

Alma asks Kit to pay more attention to Grace because she’s worried about her, but ultimately Grace and Alma end up getting in an argument where she admits that she thinks everything was better before Grace came into the picture. When it was just her and Kit.

Later that night, to drive the point home, Alma drives a big axe into Grace’s back.

I really feel like poison would have been the easier option, but what do I know?

Now we’re in 1968 at the asylum. Sister Jude is still there and has become a regular part of asylum society – even making friends with Pepper. The Monsignor comes in to tell Sister Jude that he’s been made Cardinal and will be leaving Briarcliff which will be turned into a prison overflow facility once he leaves. In a gesture of kindness, the Monsignor tells Jude that he’s going to arrange for her release.

Some new prisoners come into the asylum and one of them is the angel of death. Only she’s more like the bad ass prison uniformed version of the angel of death.

Jude totally freaks out that she’s there and doesn’t want anything to do with her, only the angel of death wants to make Jude her bitch.

Also joining the asylum crew, Kit’s now axe-murdering wife Alma.

Now that the angel of death is Sister Jude’s new roomie, she talks to an asylum administrator about her release promised by the Monsignor. The administrator doesn’t know what she’s talking about so Jude tells her to verify the story with Pepper, only to find out that Pepper died and the Monsignor was appointed Cardinal 2 1/2 years ago. Not a week ago, like Jude thought.

Now we’re in 1969. Lana is at a signing of her best-selling book “Maniac” and she’s doing a reading for a small group. Only, the passage she’s reading never happened. Queue hallucinations of Thredson and her teacher-lover calling her a liar and telling her that she is only interested in fame.

Kit shows up to the book signing and asks Lana for a cup of coffee. All she can talk about is how her book is being made into a movie and how awesome she is.

Kit asks her why she never brought Briarcliff down and why she never got Jude out of there. Lana is all, nothing I can do for those crazies now! And Kit is all, watch your mouth, my wife is one of those crazies! And then Lana is all, sorry I didn’t know. And Kit is all, doesn’t matter now, she’s dead.

Then Kit tells Lana that Jude is not dead. He saw her there while visiting Alma and now they need to get her out.

Oh, we also find out in a flashback that Alma died because her heart “just stopped” and Kit feels like he failed her and Grace.

Now we’re in present time and Dylan McDermott visits a book store looking for a rare signed first edition of “Maniac.” The woman at the store is all, you can’t have it, and Dylan McDermott is all, yes I can because I’m her son and I’m going to kill her.

Season finale next week!

***

Season 2 recaps: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6, Episode 7, Episode 8, Episode 9, Episode 10, Episode 11

American Horror Story Asylum in Two Minutes (Episode: Spilt Milk)

Time to recap Season 2, Episode 11.

Alright, so we have two episodes left and this one seriously accelerated the time line. I was sort of confused by it but sometimes it’s best not to ask questions.

We start in present day with Dylan McDermott, aka son of Bloody Face. He hires a lactating hooker and I’ll let your imagination do the rest.

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In the asylum, Dr. Thredson grabs Kit from solitary confinement.

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Thredson takes him to the common room to see Grace and the baby.

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(Grace’s hair is shorter now than at the beginning of the season. Alien haircut?)

Anyway, Kit has a ton of questions for Grace. She tells him a little about her abduction and what happened to her and how it wasn’t all that bad.

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Looks totally comfortable.

Kit wanted to know about Alma, his wife, and Grace told him that unfortunatley she didn’t make it.

After hearing the bad news, Kit wants to at least be a good father to his new baby. So he asks Grace to marry him so they can be a family. As Grace says yes, a few of the asylum nuns show up and take the baby from them.

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Mother Superior approaches Lana and tells her she’s going to get her out of the asylum because Sister Jude told her the truth about why she’s there. She’s a little apprehensive at first because the last time someone told her they were getting her out, it didn’t go so well. But she throws caution to the wind, grabs the Dr. Thredson confession tape, gets ready to leave, and tells Jude she’s coming back for her.

Later on, Dr. Thredson promises Kit he’ll give his baby back if he gets Lana to give over the confession tape. In exchange, he has a plan to blame Dr. Arden for the Bloody Face crimes and clear both of their names. While he’s talking to Kit, Lana walks right behind him in split-screen Brian DePalma style (which was an awesome scene).

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Kit sees Lana, so he stalls Thredson with questions so he doesn’t turn around and see Lana leaving. Lana walks out the door, gets in a cab, and just as she’s leaving, Dr. Thredson realizes what’s happening. He runs out the door just in time to see her cab pulling out and a special little message from her to him.

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Haha. I love that.

Dr. Thredson rushes home, but once he gets there, Lana is waiting.

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Now, I’m not sure of the timeline here, but Lana had enough time to go to the police with the tape, take a shower, do her hair, and change her clothes before Thredson ever busted into his house. You’d think he would have made an effort to get out of town faster.

Anyway, even though the police are on their way, Lana wants to make sure Thredson doesn’t disappear. She also wants to know what exactly he did to her teacher-lover. So, he makes himself a martini (or two) and tells her all the dirty details in an effort to stall her. Once he hears police sirens, Thredson makes an effort to get the gun mounted to his wall, but Lana shoots him.

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Lana visits the grave for her teacher-lover (even though there’s no body) and meets with a couple of lesbian friends who also want to say goodbye.

A bunch of news photographers are outside waiting for Lana with questions, so the friends scurry out the back door so they will not be identified as lesbians so they don’t get fired from their jobs. < — guess that happened back then?  But Lana is all, I’ll just put on my shades and be awesome. When the paparazzi ask her questions as she’s getting into the car outside, she’s all…

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So I guess she had time to write a book too. I mean, why not? She takes fast showers, why not write fast books? Oh, she also makes an appointment to get an abortion but ultimately can’t go through with it because she’s seen so much death already and just wants it all to end.

Now that Dr. Thredson is confirmed to be Bloody Face, Kit is released from the asylum. But before he leaves, he meets with the Monsignor because he wants Grace and the baby released too. He tells the Monsignor that he won’t verify Lana’s story if he releases Grace’s “body” to him since she’s technically dead anyway and has death certificate signed by Dr. Arden. (Remember she was shot and killed awhile back?)

The Monsignor (who is extremely d-baggy all of a sudden – possessed?) agrees and Kit takes Grace and their new baby home.

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When they get to the house, it’s still in shambles from Kit’s abduction. Kit and Grace talk about cleaning it up and then realize someone is in the house with them. That’s when they find Kit’s wife sitting in the bedroom…with a baby.

Lana shows up at the asylum with the police and a court order to speak with Sister Jude. At this point, she looks about 5 or 6 months pregnant, so I’m not sure what took her so long to get back there. I guess books and showers and hair appointments are more important. The Monsignor tells her that Sister Jude is dead and shows the police the death certificate, which verifies that she hung herself in her room with some bed sheets. Only Sister Jude isn’t dead, she’s locked up in solitary.

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More time passes because now we’re at the hospital and Lana just gave birth to her baby. She’s giving him up for adoption and doesn’t want anything to do with him, only the baby won’t take a bottle so the nurse asks Lana to breast feed. She doesn’t want to but does it anyway cuz she’s nice like that.

***

Season 2 recaps: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6, Episode 7, Episode 8, Episode 9, Episode 10

American Horror Story Asylum in Two Minutes (Episode: The Name Game)

It’s time to recap Season 2, Episode 10.

We’re finally back after a two week hiatus and I gotta say, I kinda liked this episode. We’re finally starting to wrap things up and I can see an end to the insanity. (And these recaps. Whew.)

This one starts with Dr. Arden slamming a needle into Kit’s chest to revive him.

Once Kit catches his breath, he asks if anything happened while he was out.  Dr. Arden lies and is all, “nope!”

Then, we get a flashback to Grace laying on a gurney extremely pregnant. Dr. Arden wants to do whatever he can to find out what exactly is growing  in her belly. Pepper explains to him (very articulately) that she goes where Grace goes and that he won’t be able to do anything to her.

Dr. Arden tries to do an emergency C-section (once Pepper tells him x-rays won’t work) and just as he’s about it cut, the knife flies out of his hand.

Oh, we also learn that Pepper didn’t really kill her nephew. So I guess everyone in the asylum is innocent?

We also get a flashback to the Monsignor. While he’s nailed to the cross, the angel of death tells him it’s not time for him to die, he still has work to do, and that Sister Mary Eunice is possessed and needs his help.

Back in the common room, Lana is about to tell Kit that Dr. Thredson is out (out from where, I don’t know) when he walks in. He’s tells them he’s back and Sister Mary Eunice gave him a full-time position at the asylum.

Speaking of Sister Mary Eunice, she does an unannounced room check of all the patients. She “finds” a cucumber in Sister Jude’s room. <—- use your imagination why they can’t have those.

Jude is all, “whatever, do what you gotta do,” so Sister Mary Eunice sends her to electroshock therapy.

The Monsignor tries to cast the devil out of Sister Mary Eunice.

He did a terrible job. Like, really terrible. Not only did he not cast the devil out of her, but she ends up raping him. Oh, and he was a virgin.

Yes.

You read all that right.

Then Dr. Arden walks in on them.

Dr. Arden carts  food outside for the creatures. Sister Mary Eunice follows him out there to devise some new plan, but instead, as the creatures start to gather around the food, Dr. Arden shoots them all claiming the “experiment” is over.

He whines to Sister Mary Eunice that he’s lost her and tries to shoot himself, but wusses out.

After Sister Jude’s electroshock therapy, she’s back in the common room. Lana asks if she remembers who she is but she doesn’t seem to be all that lucid. Then, she plays “The Name Game” on the new common room jukebox.

And then this happens.

What.

Is.

Happening.

After I picked my chin off the ground, I realized I loved that scene big time. And then I watched it again. Yeah, it was a full song and dance dream sequence but whatever. Seeing all those people dancing is LOL. See? I can like musicals sometimes!

The Monsignor finds Sister Jude and apologizes for not believing her when she told him that Sister Mary Eunice was the devil. He also told her about Sister Mary Eunice taking his V card and asks her for advice on what to do. Sister Jude is all, “kill da bitch.”

When the Monsignor sees Sister Mary Eunice again, she can tell he doesn’t wanna break himself off any more of that. But she’s ok with that because she still wants him to be pope and is willing to help him get there. The Monsignor is all, “this will not be happening” and Mary Eunice gets pissed. But then she seems to become herself again for a short moment? So the Monsignor takes that opportunity to throw her off a very tall staircase.

The angel of death shows up, Sister Mary Eunice says she’s ready, and the angel of death says she’s got room for both of them.

So yeah. I guess it was that easy to kill THE DEVIL. But what do I know? Maybe the devil gets tired of his job too and just needs a break.

Dr. Thredson is looking for Dr. Arden when he hears screaming. He opens a door to find Grace in labor. After the baby is born, Dr. Thredson takes Kit to see it.

He uses the kid as a bargaining chip to get his confession tape back. Kit tells him where it’s at, but Lana gets to it first and threatens to give it to the authorities if anything happens to her or Kit.

Sister Jude is back in the common room trying to remember the names of the other patients. Mother Superior visits her at Sister Jude’s request and Sister Jude starts talking all kinds of nonsense, like how she and the Monsignor are getting married and going to Rome. Then she points Lana out and tells Mother Superior that she shouldn’t be there and to help her get out.

Finally, Dr. Arden is all sad.

He cremates Sister Mary Eunice’s body and decides to go along for the ride.

Ok, so the creature story is wrapped up (and had no bearing on the plot whatsoever?) Two of our baddies are dead. And we have three more episodes left…

***

Season 2 recaps: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6, Episode 7, Episode 8, Episode 9

American Horror Story Asylum in Two Minutes (Episode: The Coat Hanger)

Time to recap Season 2, Episode 9.

In present time, hottie Dylan McDermott is back for a little season 2 action. He meets with an addiction therapist to help with his aversion to skinning cats, which turned into an aversion to skinning women.  Turns out he learned all his skillz from his father, Bloody Face, and he’s taking over the family biz.

Then we get a flash of him standing over Maroon 5’s wife when she’s tied up on the table. So now we know who was making the calls to the police from the asylum.

Back in 1964, Lana meets with Sister Mary Eunice who tells Lana she’s pregnant. (She’s the devil, she knows stuff.) Lana knows she’s right (because she’s been throwing up) and tells her that she can’t have the baby. Sister Mary Eunice assures her that she will have it.

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Lana gets up to leave but ends up passing out.

Ok, remember Santa from the last episode?

Sister Jude wakes up tied to a bed in the asylum.

The authorities think she’s unstable and commit her now that she attacked Santa and because Sister Mary Eunice, Santa, and Dr. Arden have set her up as the murderer of the guard that killed Grace.

She tells the Monsignor she’s being set up but he doesn’t believe her. So he does the only normal thing he can do –  he brings Santa into her room so he can forgive her.

Then he plants one on her forehead and she is all OMG WTF BBQ.

Sister Mary Eunice meets with the Monsignor and tells him she knows about how he wants to be Pope. He’s annoyed that she knows his “secret” at first but then seems ok with the fact that she offers to help him get there.

Lana isn’t passed out anymore. I have no idea why she passed out in the first place. Maybe I’m just super unobservant. Anyway,  she steals a coat hanger from one the maid’s uniforms hanging in the kitchen.

Then Lana visits Kit. (They just let her walk around no problem now?) She wants to kill Dr. Thredson but Kit needs him to talk first. So they come up with a plan and it goes something like this.

Lana tells Dr. Thredson she’s pregnant.

She threatens to use the coat hanger to abort the baby unless he tells her the truth about some things. She wants to know why he killed several of the women. Including her teacher lover.

Once he tells her, we see Kit in the background recording the confession. Oh snap! And then she’s all, “j/k already got rid of the baby.” Double snap!

Speaking of getting rid of the baby, this was disturbing.

Also, really? So she’s just walking around without an infection or wound of some sort after losing all that blood from sticking a coat hanger up in there? Sometimes, I take a good poop and can’t walk for a day. But I digress.

Dr. Arden inspects the area where Grace was taken by the alien. Then he finds Kit and tells him they need to talk. He’s an alien believer and he thinks their coming has something to do with Kit. Both women he had sex with (his wife and Grace) were taken shortly after. Dr. Arden thinks Kit is their experiment.

So, Dr. Arden brings up an awesome idea to Kit. He thinks if he brings Kit to the verge of death, the aliens will show up and he can make contact with them. Dr. Arden assures Kit that he will bring him back to life at the last minute.

After Santa’s apology to Sister Jude, the Monsignor thinks he can convert him into a good man and look like Captain Awesome to the Catholic Church and get closer to getting Popey with it. The Monsignor absolves Santa of his sins and baptizes him only to have Santa try to drown the him in the baptismal pool.

Lana decides to kill Dr. Thredson with the coat hanger, but when she gets to the room where he’s tied up, he’s gone. When she leaves the room, Sister Mary Eunice is there. Not only did she presumably let Dr. Thredson go, but she tells Lana that her attempt with the coat hanger was unsuccessful. She’s still pregnant. And it’s a boy.

Back in the present time, the addiction therapist’s next patient shows up at the office to find her dead in her chair.

And Dylan McDermott waiting behind her.

Sister Jude is released into the common room of the asylum and sees Lana sitting  at one of the tables. She apologizes to her for everything she’s done and promises she will get her out of the asylum. Lana is all, “heard that one before, prove it ho.” So Sister Jude broke the record that plays endlessly in the common room. The one she would never let anyone turn off. I guess that is how people prove stuff in 1964. Gotta go with what you got I suppose.

Dr. Arden is ready to almost kill Kit. He slams an injection needle into Kit’s chest and just as Kit dies, the bright alien lights start flickering. Instead of saving Kit like he promised, he walks toward the light and into one of the rooms where he sees Pepper (who’s been missing since movie night).

Pepper must have been off with her Rosetta Stone because she is really well spoken now unlike the last time we saw her. She tells Dr. Arden that “she’s almost ready.” When Pepper moves to the side, we see Grace – alive and extremely pregnant. Oh, and neked.

In the last scene, we see the Monsignor hanging from a cross as the angel of death walks into the room.

Season 2 recaps: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6, Episode 7, Episode 8

***

I think they spent so much of this episode trying to convince us that Dylan McDermott is the son of Bloody Face that it seems like a diversion. I think he’s Kit’s alien baby.

Also, do you think Pepper was made “smart” by the aliens or do you think she was just faking it all along and working with them?

American Horror Story Asylum in Two Minutes (Episode: Unholy Night)

It’s time to recap Season 2, Episode 8.

Leave it to American Horror Story to give us a Christmas episode. We start in 1962 where a guy approaches a bell ringing Santa in front of a store that just closed. He shoots him, puts on his Santa outfit, and breaks into a home where he ties up a couple and shoots them dead in front of their daughter.

Back in 1964, the patients are gathered at the asylum getting ready to celebrate Christmas. Sister Mary Eunice is getting everyone in the Christmas spirit by decorating the tree with something personal from each of them. You know, with locks of their hair. Or their dentures.

The Monsignor doesn’t think this is weird at all and praises her for bringing Christmas cheer to the asylum. (Yeah. I don’t know either.)

Back in the medical lab, the guard that accidentally shot Grace is visiting her body when Dr. Arden walks in. The guard wants to go the the authorities about what happened. Dr. Arden tries to convinces him otherwise, but has to enlist the help of Sister Mary Eunice.

Sister Mary Eunice visits one of the patients. Of course, it’s the Santa suit stealing killer and she’s got a new outfit for him and a job to do.

Only he fails miserably and gets sent back to his cell for a botched attempt at killing the guard. Sister Mary Eunice does the job herself by slicing the guard’s throat right in front of Santa. And he’s all…

Sister Jude confronts Sister Mary Eunice about being all evil and whatnot. However, plans have already been made for her transfer and she’s escorted out of the asylum. Yet, she was still in the asylum most of the episode so whoever escorted her out did a terrible job.

Anyway, Sister Jude visits Mother Superior to ask to get back into Briarcliff. While she’s visiting, Dr. Arden shows up to see her. He tells Sister Jude that she was right about Sister Mary Eunice being in trouble and asks Sister Jude to help him help her. She agrees but only because she wants to help Sister Mary Eunice.

Dr. Arden gives Sister Mary Eunice a Christmas present: a pair of ruby earrings. As she fawns over how beautiful they are, he tells her they were very special earrings.

It turns out Dr. Arden took those earrings from one of the prisoners in the concentration camp. The woman who owned them swallowed them over and over so no one would find them.

Sister Mary Eunice was all….

And Dr. Arden was all…

Lana talks one of the asylum nuns into letting her visit Kit. When she gets to his room, he’s sleeping and having a dream of his wife on Christmas.

She’s pregnant, they’re happy, and while they’re talking, she turns into Grace.

Lana wakes him. He’s pretty drugged up but she manages to tell him that Dr. Thredson is Bloody Face and they need to prove his innocence.

Lana leaves Kit to make a phone call for help when Dr. Thredson shows up. He’s erased all the evidence that anything has happened at his house and now he’s back to kill Lana.

Just as he’s about to kill her, Kit comes in and hits him over the head with something heavy. Lana wants to kill Dr. Thredson but Kit convinces her not to because they need him to prove his innocence. Instead, they tie him up and hide him.

Sister Jude visits Dr. Arden to put together a plan to help Sister Mary Eunice. Afterwards, Sister Jude goes back to her room. A few minutes later, Sister Mary Eunice lets crazy Santa out of his cell again, leads him into the room with Sister Jude, and locks the door from the outside.

Just as Santa is attacking Sister Jude, Dr. Arden shows up. He tells Sister Mary Eunice that he hopes he’s proven his loyalty to her and they walk away as Sister Jude is attacked.

After a struggle, Sister Jude manages to kill crazy Santa.

At the end, Dr. Arden is disposing of Grace’s body when bright lights start flashing and an alien shows up to claim her body.

One man’s trash is another alien’s treasure? Yeah. I don’t know. I’m outta jokes.

Season 2 recaps: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6, Episode 7

***

Anyone else think there was way too much time spent on the Santa character? Did not like anything about that story. Also, I could use more Kit right about now.

In better news, did you notice Dylan McDermott is in tomorrow’s episode? YES!

 

American Horror Story Asylum in Two Minutes (Episode: Dark Cousin)

Time to recap Season 2, Episode 7.

We’re in 1964 when two of the asylum nuns find Grace laying in bed, looking rough, and bleeding profusely in the nether regions. They think Dr. Arden is responsible.

Grace is on the verge of death when she looks over to see, who is presumably, the angel of death (played by Francis Conroy, aka the old maid from last season). Grace says she’s “ready” and the angel of death gets ready to do her angel of death thing.

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Only the nuns shock her back to life at the last second.

Sister Mary Eunice approaches Dr. Arden about Grace’s botched sterilization procedure. But he’s all, I didn’t do it and Sister Mary Eunice is all, yes you did. He’s insulted by the accusations and slaps her. She assures him if he touches her again he’ll die, and then she slaps him across the room.

(Shouldn’t she know he didn’t do the surgery if she’s the devil and knows everything? I don’t get that.)

Dr. Arden reluctantly treats Grace with antibiotics so he’s not accused of killing her.

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Now we’re back to Sister Jude.

She’s still in the apartment trying to help a just stabbed Mr. Goodman.

While she’s dialing 911, she sees a newspaper clipping about the hit and run girl taped to the TV with the word “murderer” written in blood.

Then we get a flashback to Sister Jude’s trampy days. She’s kicked out of her band because she’s doing too much boozin’. Then she hit the girl. She feels terrible. Blah blah blah, she’s a nun!

Sister Mary Eunice calls Sister Jude while she’s still in the apartment. She’s all, I killed him and I’m the devil and I know everything!

Sometime after this, Sister Jude is moping in a café by herself when the angel of death shows up. Sister Jude asks her why she never comes when she calls for her. The angel of death tells her that she still has a purpose. It’s not her time yet.

One of the patients, who we’ve never seen till now, is in the kitchen while one of the random asylum nuns is slicing meat on a large meat slicer. He hears voices in his head, they drive him crazy, and in the scene we see coming from a million miles away – he slits his wrists on the meat grinder. Then he writes a name on the wall in Aramaic with his blood.

Sister Mary Eunice sees the name on the wall and freaks out. She asks the patient if he summoned her but he has no idea what she’s talking about and doesn’t remember writing it.

After he’s patched up, he’s taken back to his room where he is visited by the angel of death.

He tells her that he’s ready, she gives him a little smooch, his wounds open, and he bleeds to death.

Sister Mary Eunice enters the room and sees the angel of death. At first the angel doesn’t understand why Sister Mary Eunice can see her but then realizes she’s “the fallen one.” Her dark cousin. (Oh hey, episode title.)

They chat for a bit and then we find out the real Sister Mary Eunice is still in there somewhere. She comes out for a moment to beg for help.

But devil Sister Mary Eunice takes back control of her body and is all, “j/k she loves it in here!”

Dr. Thredson rapes Lana.

So disturbing.

She looks over while it’s happening to see the angel of death walking closer. After Dr. Thredson leaves, the angel visits Lana’s bedside because she called her. But Lana decides at the last minute that she’s not ready and she still has something she needs to do.

Dr. Thredson storms back into the basement pissed off. The chemistry between him and Lana wasn’t good enough, so he gives her the option of which way she’d like to die.

Lana attacks Dr. Thredson, breaks free, and runs out of the house onto a nearby street. She stops a passing car and gets in. Only, the guy that picks her up has a wife that just cheated on him and now he hates women. Lana asks him to stop the car so she can get out but he won’t. Instead he shoots himself and flips the car.

Lana wakes up back at Briarcliff.

Girl can’t catch a break.

Kit meets with an attorney to get out of his mass murder charge.

The attorney is all, “over my dead body,” so Kit attacks him with some conveniently placed office supplies and takes off running.

Kit makes his way to the kitchen (and we see one of those weird creatures following him.) The meat slicing nun is there with Grace. Whatever was following Kit shows up at the same time and takes a lethal bite out of the nun’s neck. Kit tries to save her by disemboweling the creature.

An asylum guard shows up while Kit is trying to save the nun and shoots him. Only, Grace blocks the shot and saves him. (Got all that?)

The angel of death shows up again for Grace.

Grace’s final words: “I’m free.”

Sister Jude is feeling extra, super guilty after seeing the article taped to the TV. She decides to meet with the family of the girl she killed. Just when she’s about to confess to the hit and run, the girl walks in the door.

She’s not dead after all.

***

Holy crap, this episode was exhausting. But, now we’re all caught up and ready for tonight’s episode. Smile

Season 2 recaps: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5, Episode 6

American Horror Story Asylum in Two Minutes (Episode: The Origins of Monstrosity)

It’s time to recap Season 2, Episode 6.

**Remember, this is last week’s episode.
I’m a week behind due to technical DVR difficulties. Smile***

We start back in present time. Bloody Face makes a 911 call about the two fake Bloody Faces he just killed at Briarcliff. The cops arrive to see the bodies literally hanging from the rafters.

Bloody Face calls again and talks to the cops while they’re at the asylum. He mentions that he only killed the “impostors” but they find Maroon 5 dead as well. After making some calls, they discover he was on his honeymoon and go on a hunt for his wife, who we see strapped to a table screaming.

Back in 1964, Sister Jude meets with a woman who is worried about her young daughter. She thinks she killed one of her friends while they were playing.

Sister Jude tells the woman she can’t help her because there’s no children’s ward in the asylum. The woman abandons her at the asylum anyway, just long enough for Sister Mary Eunice to have a little chat with her.

Sister Mary Eunice tells the girl she knows she killed her friend because she’s the devil and she knows everything. She also tells the girl about how growing up, all she wanted to do was to be liked and eventually she thought the only person that would accept her is God. In the meantime, we get flashbacks of Sister Mary Eunice being humiliated by friends.

The mother eventually comes back to pick up her daughter and at the end of the episode, the daughter kills her mom and two siblings but it doesn’t really seem essential to the story soooo….on to other stuff.

Lana wakes up (still chained up in Dr. Thredon’s basement) to him making breakfast.

After some initial screaming on her part,  he is all “I looooove nutmeg. It makes things so nom nom.”

And then she is all, “You are right. This is the best breakfast ever!”

Dr. Thredson tells Lana the story of how he grew up in an orphanage and all he wanted was to be loved.

When he was in medical school, he was always made fun of by the other students. One day, he saw the cadaver of a woman in class. She wasn’t his mother, but could have been because they were about the same age when they died. He realized he missed a mother’s touch, so when he was alone with the body, he tried to hug it out. Shirtless.

But she was too cold. So that’s why he likes killing women. Their bodies are warm. Only he chose Lana for a special reason. He wants her to be his mother.

A mother he breast feeds.

Ugh. So creepy.

Shelley is now at the hospital. She’s in bad shape, so they call the Monsignor to give Last Rites to a dying patient. When he gets there, he notices it’s Shelley from the asylum.

He gives her Last Rites and kills her, presumably to put her out of her misery.

Anyone else annoyed that Joseph Fiennes gets top billing in the show but is barely in it? No? Just me? Moving on.

Sister Jude receives a  call from Mr. Goodman, the man she hired to do a background check on Dr. Arden. He told her that Anne Frank’s claims were true but he needs Dr. Arden’s fingerprints to be sure.

In a flashback to 1962, we see Dr. Arden meeting with the Monsignor. He tells the Monsignor that he’s trying to make an immunity cocktail that will make the human body immune to most diseases. The Monsignor supports his testing.

But wait! We are back in 1964 and after seeing Shelley, the Monsignor doesn’t like the testing anymore.

The Monsignor confronts Dr. Arden about mutilating Shelley. He threatens to expose the truth, but Dr. Arden reminds him that if they find out about his experiments, they will find out everything about the asylum. So the Monsignor changes his mind and then arranges for Sister Jude’s transfer to another facility.

Later on, Kit calls Dr. Thredson and asks him how the authorities got his tape recorded confession because he just made it for therapy reasons.

Dr. Thredson tells Kit that he just recorded what he (Kit) remembered he did and that he (the doctor) wasn’t responsible for anything that was said. Kit calls Dr. Thredson a phony, lying, bastard which Dr. Thredson did not take well.

Sister Mary Eunice dresses up in Sister Jude’s red naughty nighty and does a little song and dance in her quarters.

While she’s there, she answers the phone and pretends to be Sister Jude. It’s Mr. Goodman on the other line, and he’s got the information Sister Jude requested on Dr. Arden. Sister Mary Eunice goes to Mr. Goodman’s place, kills him, and takes the information he had for Sister Jude.

When Sister Jude arrives at Mr. Goodman’s with the fingerprints he requested, she finds him laying stabbed on the bathroom floor. She runs to his side and just before he dies, he tells her it was one of her nuns.

Sister Mary Eunice gives Dr. Arden the information she stole from Mr. Goodman, only she kept a few things for collateral in case he double-crossed her.

***

Season 2 recaps: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4, Episode 5

American Horror Story Asylum in Two Minutes (Episode: I am Anne Frank, Pt. 2)

It’s time to recap Season 2, Episode 5.

***MAJOR SPOILERS IN THIS ONE***

Again, we start in 1964. (Where for art thou, Maroon 5?) Sister Jude is visiting Mr. Goodman, a Nazi death camp survivor. She wants to get the dirt on creepy Dr. Arden and she thinks he can help. How she found this guy and what makes her think he can help, I have no idea. Mr. Goodman says he’ll do some digging, but it will take time.

Back at the asylum, Anne Frank is holding Dr. Arden at gunpoint.

She’s about to kill him when an asylum guard holds her at gunpoint and saves Dr. Arden. As she’s being taken away, she yells about the monster (i.e. Shelly) that she saw in his lab and insists he’s not who he says he is. That’s all Sister Jude needs to search his lab. But she finds nothing.

Anne is taken back to her room and tied to her bed. Meanwhile, her husband shows up and tells everyone her real name is Charlotte, that she has a young baby, and that after the baby’s birth, she read Anne Frank’s diary and became obsessed with her. (All the while, we are getting flashbacks of “Charlotte” with her husband and baby.) Sister Jude thinks she should go home with the husband, but Dr. Thredson thinks that’s bad idea jeans.

Sister Jude gets her way. Anne is released to the custody of her husband even though Anne has no memory of him.

Dr. Arden angrily approaches Sister Jude because of all the false allegations she’s made about him. She tries to apologize but he’s not satisfied without some major groveling, which she won’t do. So, Dr. Arden promises to have her fired and thrown out of the asylum.

Meanwhile, Kit and Grace are still in solitary confinement.

Sister Mary Eunice stops by Kit’s cell to let him know that Sister Jude changed her mind about his sterilization treatment. He’s free to go. However, Grace isn’t so lucky. She’s still scheduled for her procedure in the morning. After a restless night, Grace falls asleep only to wake to a bright light under her cell door. In this bright light, she looks like she’s undergoing some procedure (the sterilization procedure presumably – and maybe by an alien?) when she sees Kit’s wife who tells her not to fight it.

Dr. Thredson meets with Kit when he gets out of solitary. He wants to help him remember the crimes he’s done. Dr. Thredson suggests that if Kit says what he thinks he’s done on tape and listens to it back, it will help jog his memory.

Kit’s gotta be the dumbest mother#$%#er around, because he does it. And I think you can guess what happens after he does. #ArrestedForDumbAssery

When Grace finally sees Kit again, she tells him that she saw his wife and she’s alive.

Dr. Thredson approaches Lana and tells her he’s going to break her out of the asylum when he leaves that night. They meet up and literally walk right out the door together while a guard is preoccupied trying to light a cigarette. Dr. Thredson brings Lana back to his place where he starts acting kinda weird and won’t let her use the phone. He mentions something about Lana writing “his” story and Lana is all…

Dr. Thredson gets Lana a calming glass of wine. While he’s in the kitchen, she starts to notice weird things around his house, like lamp shades made of a hide-like material.

She wanders around his place and finds a room with all sorts of tools, skeletons, and other weird things in it. When he catches her in the room, she tries to tell him that she made a wrong turn but the doctor is on to her. Lana is visibly scared, there’s some “small talk” about the lamp shades being made of flesh, and then Dr. Thredson opens the trap door that Lana happens to be standing RIGHT on.

Convenient.

Lana drops to the basement. When she wakes up, she’s chained up in a Saw-like room and her teacher-lover is dead on the floor next to her. Screaming and yelling ensues and we find out what we suspected since they entered the house.

Dr. Thredson is Bloody Face.

Anyone see that coming? Me either.

Later on, Sister Mary Eunice is dressing the creepy doctor’s leg wound. (Remember he was shot by Anne Frank?) She apologizes for her behavior the other day and tells him that she took care of Shelly so no one would find her. The doctor assumes she fed her to the creatures outside. She assures him that she wasn’t heavy to lift. (Ha! No legs joke.) Sister Mary Eunice has plans for Dr. Arden to run the asylum and for her to be his number two. (No, not that kind of number two.)

Later, we see Shelly (not fed to the creatures after all) trying to climb some stairs near a school yard. One of the young students scream that they see a monster, so the whole school races over to see so they can scream too!

After an incident at home, Anne Frank is brought back to the asylum. Creepy Dr. Arden assures her husband that he has a lobotomy procedure that will cure her. The husband isn’t so sure.

After a little hesitation, the husband approves the procedure.

In the last scene, we see Anne back at home with her husband while holding her baby. She has no recollection of being Anne Frank, is acting super Stepford-Wifey, and claims how happy she is in a monotone, expressionless way. As she walks away, the camera zooms to one of her pictures from the Nazi concentration camp with Dr. Arden in it.

Season 2 recaps: Episode 1, Episode 2, Episode 3, Episode 4

***

I really liked this episode. Remember when the devil was in the teenage kid and he said he was glad he let Dr. Thredson go? Shoulda put that together sooner. Also, now I think Dr. Thredson is working with the Monsignor.

 

 

American Horror Story Asylum in Two Minutes (Episode: Nor’easter)

It’s time to recap season 2, episode 3.

Let’s start with the episode title, because I had no idea what it meant:

Ok, now that that’s out of the way, here we go.

We start out in present time again. Maroon 5, despite a missing arm and having at least three stab wounds to the chest, is alive and kicking.

Like his band, he will never go away.

Bloody Face gets tired of stabbing Maroon 5 and decides to break into the cell that Mrs. Channing Tatum locked herself into. Just when he’s about to attack her, Maroon 5 steps in and stabs him with his one good arm  like a champ.

Maroon 5 and Mrs. Tatum run to get out of the asylum when they become surrounded by two Bloody Faces – who shoot them both dead. Maybe.

Both Bloody Faces take of their masks and as they do the real Bloody Face comes through the door and kills them. Maybe.

1964

There’s a big scary storm happening outside.

The newly possessed (and clearly acting differently) Sister Mary Eunice brings Sister Jude the newspaper. Only, it’s dated in 1949 and has a headline about the missing girl that she hit with her car.

Sister Jude asks where it came from and Sister Mary Eunice tells her it was the mailman. Duh. Sister Jude stresses out about it and breaks her self-imposed non-drinking clause and gets drunk off the communal wine.

One of the female patients can see Sister Mary Eunice is the devil. Sister Mary Eunice doesn’t like this, so she kills her in her cell, and then feeds the body to the creatures outside.

Then Sister Mary Eunice hit on the creepy doctor which he didn’t like so he called her a whore.

Then he put some red lipstick on a statue of Mary and called the statue a whore.

Everyone’s a whore!

Later on, the doctor is doing more random testing on Kit.

He takes apart the alien chip that he took out of Kit’s neck and it puts itself back together. The doctor is convinced that the chip was placed in Kit’s neck in order to watch after him (the doctor). Because everything is about him.

Because storms scare the patients, the asylum hosts a movie night to take the patient’s minds off the storm.

Kit tells Grace they should try to break out again while the movie is playing. Grace thinks it’s too soon to try again, but Kit thinks it’s perfect timing since no one will suspect it.

Lana meets with Dr. Thredson and gives him a note to give to her teacher-lover. Later on, when Lana asks if he delivered the letter, he tells her that she’s been killed and there is evidence that it was done by Bloody Face, which means he’s still on the loose. After hearing this, Lana teams with Kit and Grace because she now knows that Kit isn’t a killer. Lana apologizes to kit and he’s super forgiving right away.

Shelley overhears Kit and Grace talking about the escape, so she wants in too.  When a guard shows up and almost catches them, Shelley distracts him.

While Shelley is getting jiggy in the guard’s pants area, she trips him, he falls back, and hits his head juuuust perfectly so he loses consciousness.

She runs to catch up with Kit, Grace, and Lana but the creepy doctor finds her first, takes her back to his office, and tries to rape her – only he can’t perform. Shelley laughs at him because he has a small hoo-ha and can’t get it up, so the doctor gets pissed and hits her over the head with something heavy.

Meanwhile, Sister Jude is walking drunk through the halls of the asylum when she comes upon this.

And then she’s like…

But then she goes and passes out on her bed.

Kit, Grace, and Lana finally make it outside the asylum to escape. Only the creatures that live outside start chasing after them and they have no choice but to go back to the asylum.

Dr. Thredson notices that some of the patients are missing from movie night and brings it up to a guard. Once Sister Jude is woken up from her drunken stupor and is told about the missing patients, she addresses everyone watching the movie. She tells them there will be no more movie nights because of a few patients that took advantage of it. Only she doesn’t mean Kit, Grace, and Lana. She means Shelley and two others, including the girl that Sister Mary Eunice murdered earlier. (Who was the third missing person? Couldn’t figure that out.)

Meanwhile, Kit, Grace, and Lana make it back to their seats SOAKING WET from the storm and no one notices they were gone. WTF to that.

At the end, we see Shelley waking up on the creepy doctor’s table in a bright light. She begs the doctor to let her go but the doctor says that he had to “clip her wings” for misbehaving. And by wings, he means legs from the knee down.

I can’t say I loved this week’s episode. It was all over the place and didn’t really further the story. I was very meh about it until I watched it a second time when I thought it got better. Or maybe writing these reviews makes me appreciate their craziness more.

Do you think Sister Jude imagined what she saw?

Are you loving a possessed Sister Mary Eunice as much as I am?

Season 2 recaps: Episode 1, Episode 2