It’s time to recap Season 1, Episode 9.
This time we start back in 1947. A dentist is living in the murder house (I assume he’s living there) and he’s seeing a new patient, Elizabeth Short a.k.a The Black Dahlia (played by Mena Survari). Mena will do anything to pay for her dental work, and I mean anything. Oh, except use money because she has none.
The dentist ignores that she has no money and gives her anesthesia anyway. Then the dentist has sex with her while she’s out cold. He tries to wake her up afterwards, but she doesn’t. Whoopsie! Better dispose of the body. Good thing the abortionist shows up and is so good with a knife. He helps the dentist out by carving up the body in easy-to-carry pieces, draining the blood, and throwing it in the grass somewhere.
Back to present time.
Everyone wants to get in on Ben’s hot manly action. First, the maid wants in.
Then his new patient wants in. Oh look, it’s dead Mena Survari and she still doesn’t have any money. Probably similar to her real life because most of her movies suck.
Then Hayden wants in.
Then the maid and Mena Survari want in together.
And then the maid wants in again.
I’m sure Ben is glad those ab exercises are paying off with all this potential action. After a few daydreams of tagging all those ladies, Ben is all, “HELL NO you saucy temptress, I love my wife and you can GTFO.” So she does. And BOOM…Ben can see the old maid finally.
At one point, Hayden’s sister and a police man show up at the house thinking Ben had something to do with her disappearance. Hayden appears, says she’s fine, and that Ben and her are happy together. So the sister and police man leave.
WHY DOESN’T BEN THINK THIS IS WEIRD?! For the love! You buried Hayden in the back yard!
Hayden also seduces Constance’s useless-to-the-storyline-until-now young boyfriend because she wants to know if she can have sex with someone living. The answer is yes, yes she can.
The fling doesn’t last long because Hayden ends up killing him in a rage, the abortionist cuts him up and drains his blood for her, and Larry the burned-faced guy disposes of the body because he owes Hayden a favor. Now we get another ghost in the house. Because that’s what we need.
Meanwhile, Vivien is in the mental hospital and finds out her twins have two different fathers. (Is that even possible to know in the womb?) The maid overhears Ben getting the news on the phone and tells Constance. Constance puts the smack down on Tate for doing the humpty dance with Vivien. Then Tate begs Constance not to tell Violet.
Vivien maintains that she was raped by someone in a leather suit and no one believes her except Constance. Ben’s cheating ass got all high and mighty and went to the hospital to give Vivien a piece of his mind.
Hayden tells Ben that Vivien is having an affair with the hot security guard. So Ben sets off the house alarm so he’ll show up. When hot security guard arrives, Ben accuses him of the affair. HSG denies it – sort of because he doesn’t really say it’s not true – and Ben believes him.
Finally, Constance meets up with the medium again. Constance asks her if it’s possible for a spirit and a human to have a child together. The medium told a long story about a piece of paper inside the Pope’s Box which basically says that a spirit and a human conceiving signifies the devil himself and the end of the world.
- So this was my least favorite episode so far. It’s starting to bother me that Ben doesn’t find it weird that Hayden keeps showing up in the house or that she’s alive.
- How many more things do you think Mena Survari can star in with the word American in it before we poke our eyes out?
- Did you find my American Beauty reference?
- Is Tate the devil or is the devil working through him?